I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
