I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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