My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
