I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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