Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
