I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
