its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
