I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
