Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Too much gin, very little bucket
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
