i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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