Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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