You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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