I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
