Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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