I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
