What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
