Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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