I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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