Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
