If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
