Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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