some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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