Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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