There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
