i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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