Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
