I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
