I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
