Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
