She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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