Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
