"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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