if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
