Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
