I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
