If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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