lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
