it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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