He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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