Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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