please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
