My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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