He disabled his match.com account in front of me
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
