DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My ATM looks so different sober.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
how drunk are you?
Several
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
