I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I am naked and annoyed.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
