I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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