He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
