No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Actions speak louder than pants.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
