How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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