I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
