nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
