I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
