he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
